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speakred
19 April 2011 @ 02:14 am
I figured a lot had changed for me, but nothing has... I mean that in both negative and positive ways. I failed this semester. How's your summer starting...

Next stop: spinsterdom and disappointment!Collapse )
 
 
Mood: pessimisticpessimistic
 
 
speakred
12 April 2011 @ 02:08 pm
I went. I WENT. I WENT!


Annnnnnd it was wonderful. Everything is Arcade Fire and nothing hurts!


Actually that's a lie. I'm seriously sick and weak. I've been terribly ill for the last five days. And it's the first time in a long time work has scheduled me to do anything beyond two shifts- theater your timing is always inconvenient. Dude, I've been so frail and sickly- it's scary. I lost my voice, my head felt dizzy a good chunk of every hour, and was pretty pale...


BUT last night I was able to forget about everything and just go deaf and dance away my troubles. I got a shirt, too!





Next week: The Submarines and/or Donald Glover... It's so hard to choose. They'll both be in 21+ clubs and in the city. So I guess whatever happens, happens. The shows are the least of my concerns because next week I'm still going into the city to see Gabby.
Tags:
 
 
♫: Arcade Fire
 
 
speakred
28 March 2011 @ 01:59 pm
I've been re-reading and deleting some entries on here. I've tried my best to fix some surface errors I found in past entries, but I'm not promising anything but my usual brand of erratic writing. Ha, I would never make it as an editor. I'm so terrible at this.

Sleep schedule hasn't improved. Eating habits have slightly improved, but the sleep pattern inconsistencies affect the whole picture that is myself. I'm at least up and sort of ready before two in the afternoon- I've been lounging about in my pajamas until I realize the sun's setting. And right around then I decide that I should put on some pants- you know, just in case people show up
...

As I have mentioned beforehand, I'm going to be a bridesmaid this summer- mid June to be exact. Oh Utah and your short engagements! Anyways it's strange because, I've known the bride since I was six years old- EVERYONE IS LEAVING ME!.. I mean this awesome! We'd play at recess every day because we both wore glasses and she was the first person to invite me to her birthday party! AND YES THAT WAS A BIG DEAL. I was quite the loner in elementary school, not that I needed to state that because I mean have you read the way I write/think? I'm obviously some sort of degenerate outsider... But anyways, my school was housed primarily of white suburban Mormon kids. And being singled out as the 'shy Indian kid' wasn't exactly like something I could shake or understand.

But my friend has always done things to a different beat. She's never compromised her integrity for the sake of fitting in. She does what she does because she wants to. I have always admired her for that. I wish I had that kind of direction in jr high and high school. I'm barely figuring out the consequences to that choice now (a sense of balance, for one...) anyways, we've known each other for a really long time and she gets how I work.

I'm happy for her, I really am!.. but can it be strange? Let me have this one, journal- everyone else can be weirded out if I get engaged. I'm still adjusting to life changes and that I'm no longer 7 years old, but I'll shut up now. Let's focus on the part where being apart of her wedding party makes me feel special. I'm a bridesmaid! And seriously it's befitting in my long road of spinster hood! I know this because according to Katherine Heigel movies being a bridesmaid is like the first steps into becoming alone forever so I might as well give up now and start knitting tea cozies... well that is until a man shows up to show me how to live my life.

Man, I just wish that her colors were pink so I wouldn't have to buy a new dress. I could just recycle my maid of honor dress and just worry about shoes- I mean I could use this extra money to buy a lounge chair for my room, you know how badly I want a lounge chair!.. But I guess this does give me an excuse to buy another piece of clothing and not feel guilty about it. Hooray justification!

Also, in June, it's my 5 year high school reunion.I know five years already? I'm so old. I've already been sent FB invites to 'save the date' ! So many reasons not to go. YET, one reason to go: Curiosity. I'm thinking of being so open about my lack of success and marriage by stating I'm a deadbeat at every given opportunity.

Classmate 06: OMG I THOUGHT i PIQUED IN HIGH SCHOOL. 
Me '11:  That's awesome bro... But I'm going to turn my body slightly away from you to communicate to you that I don't want to talk or be near you, but you're going to dismiss it and continue talking at me with your life updates.
C '06: I'm wonderful! I'm married now with three kids and blahblah we're moving into our first house at the end of the month! Can you believe that? I'm more successful than you in every way possible! I thought that I should let you know! HOWDOESTHATMAKEYOUFEEL? ASK ME MORE ABOUT MY LIFE.
Me: Tell me more I say with less interest.
C '06:  Giggle-giggle! I'm going to feign modesty here and pretend I care about you, like I'm pretending we use to talk and be friends even though I never knew you or invited you to my birthday party or group projects... Oh my! I'm just so obviously successful. How are you?
Me:  Well I'm glad you ask because I'm a dead beat! I have no prospects in the fields of job security, relationships, or .education! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go call my fake boyfriend, Michael C. Hall to pick me up in his Dodge Charger.

So my summer schedule looks pretty promising in that way that makes me question it.

My friend who went to Brazil for two years for a 'secular life sabbatical' is back. And I just found the letter I never sent her... I have in fact found several I never sent. I suck. I'm hoping she can look past my inability to do simple tasks and let me buy her a slice of pizza so we can catch up about God and her goals- that is if she is town. FB is telling me her family moved again and she could be inTexas. But I hate getting my information from social networking so I refuse to acknowledge it.
---

I have been having the strangest dreams lately. Well, dreams are strange to begin with, but they've involved kissing and yes that's weird, shut up.

THE REASON THEY'RE WEIRD: My dreams either involve a multitude of End of World scenarios or literal life scenarios (i.e. waking up/going to school) because I'm so over dramatic ... Anyways, I wasn't the one kissing anybody, but others were being kissed and I was the third wheel. I wish I could remember exactly what happens, but I've been really trying hard not to read into everything that's happening to me, including dreaming. But then again, March is a month of too much nostalgia. (I hate you, March)

I wish I hadn’t seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

All of the moments that already passed
We’ll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that’s wonderful



From my re-read of past entries I can't believe what I pictured for myself. Like a year ago, I had so much confidence of where I wanted to take my ambition(and yeah that was confidence or something within that realm of definition), then I got scared, then lazy, and then a bunch of really weird stuff happened and I couldn't necessarily take myself seriously anymore. It's weird, how easily discouraged I can be.

Look this isn't a life update.
 
 
Mood: hungryhungry
♫: Nelly Furtado- Try
 
 
speakred
I'M COMPILING A FANTASY CAST FOR SLOPPY FIRSTS/SECOND HELPINGS.

God help us all.

.
I KNOW THIS MATTERS TO SOMEONE... Wait, no just me.

 
 
speakred
15 February 2011 @ 03:29 am
 
I stopped listening to Coldplay long enough to feel sane again. You'd be surprised how hard that was. Actually it wasn't that hard, I'm just lazy. But you would understand if you felt how cold it was around here. Now this Adele song is on repeat because I love Donald Glover (he #can get it).

It's three weeks later. I'm twenty-three and things are good- my friend is engaged, I worked V-Day without wanting to stick my hand in hot burning oil... and I'm getting some new shirts tomorrow. ALL IN ALL I'M PEACHY. So, yes things have returned to a sense of routine and I don't feel the need for Coldplay to soundtrack my breakdowns in my car.

I'm thinking of moving again. But I'm 100% sure that it's going to happen this time. I saw this ad for a roommate and it could be just what I'm looking for- I'm calling the number tomorrow. It's farther from school but not too far... the rent's a bit more than what I'm paying here, but part of it includes half of the utilities and internet access... The bedroom also has a cable hook up, so I think that means, CABLE! Or I could be wrong and it doesn't give me CABLE but just local channels with the evening news... Anyways, the point is this place sounds pretty good to me and I've been seriously looking. I hope there's a crawl space for Robert !

And if winter in Utah (50 degrees today) continues thinking it's spring long enough for me to check it out,.. this all could happen in a month or two instead of four-
(OH CRAP. I mentioned winter, it's going to snow this week).

I'm getting ready for my Ugly Betty weekend because Spring time is the time for Mode shenanigans- it's premature I know but I can't wait. WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT YOU NETFLIX... OUTSIDE IN REAL LIFE? PROBABLY.


 
Besides my parents taking my sister and I out to one of those delicious sports grill types of restaurants where all the food is as big as my head, everything today wasn't what I expected, but not in that disappointing way, but in that other way- not disappointing?.. But yeah, Valentine's... I wasn't expecting random moments of solidarity.
 
 
♫: Adele- Rolling in deep
 
 
 
speakred
15 January 2011 @ 08:47 pm
Everything is up in the air.
school, dropping out, tuition, money, debt, love, hate, full hearts, broken hearts, sweet dreams, no sleep,
moving, staying, communications, failures, successes, happiness, depression, loss, motivation,
opportunities, risks, art, passion, jobs, unemployment, cars, forward, backward, anxiety, esteem, appetite,.. 



Everything is possible.
right?

 
 
♫: Sia- Breath Me
 
 
speakred
06 December 2010 @ 02:20 am
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, That finale to the Walking Dead was lame. I can't believe I have to wait a year to see what happens after the CDC bombing. OH, wait zombies are still taking over the world, ok!

Hey in case it wasn't already apparent I have stress in my life and I'm using television to escape my real responsibilities. It's a habit of mine. I'm glad though because I'm feeling burn out by both work and school. Which is new to me because it's always been one or the other- never at the same time. And yeah I'm not working full time, but part time is just enough for me to feel less than stellar. Also its the holidays which makes me want to do nothing but curl up in my bed with a crapload of television in front of me with surrounding food like hot white chocolate drink and cookies... School needs a kick in the face.

In other news not related to me: My friend was married yesterday. It was weird. But I guess in that way that its good. I held a grudge some time about our dissipating friendship- mainly because she did nothing about it.... When I was there, everything was not like it use to be but I'm still a part of her life- she invited me to the ring ceremony after all... I mean I got the ring ceremony invite and not just the reception invite so I guess I'm still important in some way...  I should get use to these types of adult like situations, right? People getting married, people getting pregnant, people who don't answer their phones because their basements flooded... It's all a part of growing up... OH WAIT I lied everything is about me.

I did get my stupid exam out of the way this weekend, so now I have one less exam to do next week and the rest of the time to work on other exams for next week... It's not as dumb as it sounds. It's actually good news that I have at least one day to do nothing but catch up on my other exam studies. Wait, no that does sound dumb.

Well, before I go fall asleep to some vigilante justice programming and other such things and such, I just have to say that there is a week until the finale of Dexter... And he already knifed Rowaboat Cop and Mr. Knightly is on the run with Kat Stratford... AND AAHHH I can't wait!

I had to ask my dad to unlock the show because of the child lock rating system my parent's programmed on the satellite dish... It was sort of awkward  because my parents think Showtime and HBO programming are rather distasteful. But I think because I live on my own, have a job and go to school  that my dad was cool with letting me watch Mature rated programming on a Sunday night after I played BINGO with Moonbeam.

Journal it was sort of embarrassing the way I was yelling at the tv, seriously it was sort of pathetic... Much to my dismay, the show ended and I get to wait another 7 days until then... I eventually left to finish up my exam before rewatching it again... OMG!MYLIFEISHARD...
 
 
♫: Drew Smith- Melee
 
 
speakred
02 December 2010 @ 04:13 pm
TV!  

blahblahblahCollapse )
Yes, this is the use of my free time I am given.
 
 
♫: Radiohead
 
 
speakred
29 November 2010 @ 08:51 pm
...

Its been no secret lately that I've been a real crab apple around here. I took it to new stupid levels a few days ago when my roommate dried my laundry on permenant press instead of the low heat option. Nothing happened to my clothes, but the way I acted was childish and so passive aggressive, it even fucked messed with my mind. I'm aware that there are certain tasks I do in very specific ways and it's never bothered me because I'm weird and weirder. 'but when it's not done right, I basically have an internal meltdown ...

 
NONONONONONO!Collapse )
 
 
♫: Temper Traps- Love Lost
 
 
speakred
24 November 2010 @ 02:33 am
I saw the Deathly Hallows today. I braved Utah's biggest snow bilzzard ever to do so. Oh, I'm sorry that's sarcasm- it was just that everywhere I went the tv was telling me to GTFO and bunker down for the next ice age which didn't happen. My power went out but whatever I had my fish flashlight and pop tarts. So, there was no blizzard but merely lots of wind and lots of paranoia.

jump!Collapse )